Panic attacks are difficult to describe to someone that has not been through them. They feel like a health emergency, and they are extremely difficult to control once they start. Yet, in some ways, they seem as though they should be easy to control. After all, nothing is wrong, so it seems to outsiders like a person should be able to calm themselves down.
In relationships, this can make for a challenging dynamic. The person without the panic attacks may not entirely understand what you’re going through. They may find themselves confused and frustrated about what you’re experiencing and why you cannot control it. They may also feel hopeless about not being able to help you through them.
Opening the Door for Communication About Panic Attacks
In some cases, a person with panic attacks may try to hide them from their partner so that they do not have to communicate what is happening. But this can be a mistake as well, because some people find that their panic attacks are worse when they try to keep everything inside.
So, it is important to talk to your partner about your panic attacks, and there are many ways you can approach it and many things you can communicate. For example:
When talking to your partner about panic attacks, it helps to focus on what they feel like, how they affect you, and what your partner can do to be supportive. It starts with first educating yourself about panic attacks, so you can explain everything from the terminology to what’s happening. Some of the points you may want to communicate include:
- What a Panic Attack Feels Like – Describe the physical symptoms (such as a racing heart, dizziness, or shortness of breath) and the mental symptoms (fear, loss of control, or feeling like something terrible is happening). Explaining that these sensations are involuntary can help your partner understand that you are not simply “choosing” to panic.
- What Helps You in the Moment – Every person responds differently. Some people want reassurance or grounding from their partner. Others prefer space and quiet. Some people want to be able to talk about what they’re feeling so their partner is aware, as it makes them feel safer. Letting your partner know what actually helps you calm down makes them feel more capable of supporting you.
- What Does Not Help – Sometimes, partners try to “fix” the problem with advice, logic, or by telling you to calm down. If that makes things worse for you, it is okay to let them know gently but clearly. Explain to them the science of panic attacks and anxiety, and why it is not generally possible for someone to fix the issue as, once they start, they are only partially in a person’s control and not typically bound by logic.
- The Aftermath – Panic attacks are exhausting. Sharing that you may feel drained, embarrassed, or even irritable afterward helps your partner give you the patience and space you may need. While it’s not your fault that you had the panic attacks, if you find that you were irritable or salty with your partner at any point, it is okay to apologize and explain what happened.
Remember that very few people truly understand what a panic attack is like unless they’ve experienced one, so much of this will be new. Just as you’re trying to understand how to overcome panic attacks, it is helpful to remember your partner is trying to understand what they’re like and what they can do to help.
Address Your Anxiety
However, one of the most important tools of communication you have is also your ability to tell your partner that you’re getting help. By partnering with a therapist, you’re showing your partner that you’re gaining more insight into yourself and your struggles, and that your panic attacks are not a defining feature of your relationship.
If you need help addressing panic attacks, please reach out to me today.