When you’re anxious, you want someone to tell you everything is going to be okay. You want confirmation that the thing you’re worried about won’t happen. You want someone to reassure you that you’re safe, that you made the right choice, that you’re not in danger.
So you ask. You ask your partner, your friends, your family. “Do you think I’ll be okay?” “Did I do the right thing?” “What if something bad happens?” “Are you sure?” They reassure you. You feel better for a few minutes. Then the doubt creeps back in, and you ask again.
This pattern is called reassurance-seeking, and it’s one of the most common ways people try to manage anxiety. It feels helpful in the moment. But over time, it actually makes the anxiety worse.
What Reassurance-Seeking Looks Like
Reassurance-seeking happens when you repeatedly ask others to confirm that your fears aren’t true or that everything will be fine. It shows up in different ways depending on what you’re anxious about.
If you have health anxiety, you might ask your partner or friends if they think you’re sick. You might describe symptoms and ask them to interpret what’s happening. You might ask multiple times a day if they think you should go to the doctor.
If you have social anxiety, you might ask people if they think you said something weird, if they’re mad at you, or if you embarrassed yourself. After social situations, you might replay interactions and ask for reassurance that you didn’t mess up.
If you’re worried about making a decision, you might ask the same people over and over if they think you made the right choice. Even after they tell you it’s fine, you come back and ask again because the doubt returns.
If you have relationship anxiety, you might constantly ask your partner if they still love you, if they’re happy, or if they’re going to leave. No amount of reassurance feels like enough.
The pattern is the same across all types of anxiety. You feel anxious, you ask for reassurance, you feel temporarily better, and then the anxiety comes back stronger.
Why Reassurance Feels Like It Helps
When you’re anxious, your brain is telling you something is wrong. The uncertainty feels unbearable. You need to know that you’re safe, that nothing bad will happen, that your fear isn’t real.
Reassurance gives you that — temporarily. When someone tells you everything is okay, your anxiety drops. You feel relief. Your brain registers that the reassurance worked. So the next time you’re anxious, your brain pushes you to seek reassurance again.
This is why reassurance-seeking becomes a habit. It provides immediate relief, which reinforces the behavior. You don’t realize you’re training your brain to rely on other people to manage your anxiety.
Why Reassurance Makes Anxiety Worse
Reassurance-seeking works in the short term, but it strengthens anxiety in the long term. Here’s why.
First, it teaches your brain that uncertainty is dangerous. Every time you seek reassurance, you’re confirming to your brain that you can’t handle not knowing. Your brain learns that ambiguity is a threat that needs to be eliminated. This makes you even more sensitive to uncertainty in the future.
Second, reassurance never lasts. The relief you get is temporary. Within minutes or hours, the doubt comes back. You start questioning whether the person was just being nice, whether they really know for sure, whether things have changed since they reassured you. So you ask again. The cycle continues.
Third, reassurance-seeking prevents you from learning that you can tolerate anxiety on your own. Each time you rely on someone else to calm you down, you miss the opportunity to discover that the anxiety would have decreased naturally without reassurance. You never build confidence in your own ability to manage the discomfort.
Fourth, it damages relationships. People get frustrated when you ask the same questions repeatedly. They feel like their reassurance doesn’t matter because you don’t believe them. They might start avoiding conversations with you or giving shorter, less patient answers. This creates more anxiety because now you’re worried about the relationship too.
The Difference Between Support and Reassurance
There’s a difference between asking for support and seeking reassurance. Support is healthy. Reassurance-seeking is not.
Support looks like talking to someone about what you’re going through, asking for help problem-solving, or having someone sit with you while you’re anxious. Support doesn’t require the other person to tell you that your fear won’t come true. It’s about connection and presence.
Reassurance-seeking is specifically asking someone to confirm that your fear is irrational or that nothing bad will happen. It’s asking the same question repeatedly. It’s needing someone else to make the anxiety go away.
If you’re constantly checking in with people to make sure you’re okay, that’s reassurance-seeking. If you’re sharing what’s hard and asking for emotional support, that’s healthy communication.
How to Stop Seeking Reassurance
Breaking the reassurance-seeking habit is hard because it requires you to tolerate the anxiety without the quick fix. But it’s necessary if you want to reduce anxiety long-term.
- The first step is recognizing when you’re about to seek reassurance. Notice the urge. Notice the thought that drives it — “I need to know for sure” or “I can’t handle this uncertainty.” Pause before you ask.
- The second step is resisting the urge. Don’t ask the question. Sit with the discomfort. The anxiety will spike at first. That’s normal. But over time, you’ll learn that the anxiety decreases on its own without reassurance.
- The third step is learning to tolerate uncertainty. Anxiety thrives on the need for certainty. Recovery requires accepting that you can’t know everything for sure. You can practice this by noticing when you want certainty and deliberately choosing not to seek it.
You can also work with a therapist to address the underlying anxiety driving the reassurance-seeking. Therapy helps you understand why you need reassurance so badly and teaches you healthier ways to manage the discomfort.
What to Tell People Who Are Reassuring You
If you’ve been relying on reassurance from friends, family, or your partner, it can help to talk to them about what you’re working on. Let them know you’re trying to stop seeking reassurance and ask them not to give it to you.
This might sound counterintuitive. Why would you tell people not to help you? Because their reassurance isn’t actually helping. It’s reinforcing the anxiety.
You can say something like, “I’ve been asking you a lot of questions about whether things are okay. I’m trying to stop doing that because it’s making my anxiety worse. If I ask for reassurance, can you remind me that I’m trying not to do that instead of answering?”
Most people who care about you will understand and support this. They’ve probably been frustrated with the constant reassurance-seeking anyway, even if they didn’t say it.
Getting Help
If reassurance-seeking has become a major part of your anxiety, therapy can help. Working with someone who understands anxiety teaches you how to break the cycle and build healthier coping strategies.
At Jung Psych Services, I help people with generalized anxiety, social anxiety, panic disorder, and other anxiety disorders. We work on reducing reassurance-seeking, tolerating uncertainty, and building confidence in your ability to manage anxiety on your own.
I’m located in Chandler, AZ near Phoenix and work with clients throughout Arizona and California, both remotely and in person. Contact me at (480) 775-6423 or reach out through my contact form. You can also grab my free therapy QuickStart tool to get started.
You don’t have to keep relying on others to manage your anxiety. You can learn to tolerate the discomfort and build confidence in yourself.