Navigating Difficult Talks: How to Approach Your Friend About Their Troubling Relationship

By Samantha Lambert, Clinically Reviewed by Audrey Jung

February can bring a relational focus that is not always as positive as the holiday commercials make it seem. Valentine’s Day clouds the calendar month of February, disguising relationships that may need real attention and people who may need help with red hearts, Cupid, and candies. But how do we know if a friend is in an unhealthy relationship? What are the signs to notice from our friends, and what are the signs to notice from our own relationships? Relational abuse can come in many different forms, with subtle or apparent warning signs. It is important to notice all of the possible abuse indicators so that we are all better equipped to help those around us who are in need—and that may even be ourselves.

What Can Abuse Look Like?

Relational abuse, or domestic violence, can manifest in various forms. Emotional/ psychological, Physical, or sexual. Abuse is defined by the American Psychological Association as, “interactions in which one person behaves in a cruel, violent, demeaning, or invasive manner toward another person or an animal” (APA Dictionary of Psychology, 2018). This can be further understood directly in the context of relationships through the definition of domestic violence, which indicates that the abuse/ harm is directed at a member of one’s family unit or relational group (APA Dictionary of Psychology, 2018).  

Firstly, it must have basic knowledge of the various forms that abuse may take on. Sexual abuse contains the coercion of physical sexual acts, assault, harassment, and exploitation of power and authority to obtain sexual gratification (APA Dictionary of Psychology, 2018). Emotional/psychological abuse is nonphysical acts of threatening and detrimental behavior that alter the recipient’s mental health and overall wellness (APA Dictionary of Psychology, 2018). Physical abuse is known to be intentionally aggressive and violent behaviors that often lead to injuries (APA Dictionary of Psychology, 2018). These are all ways in which aggressive partners may use their power and manipulation to subject one to lasting pain and trauma and are all markers of an unhealthy, abusive relationship.

Now, let’s say you suspect that your friend is involved in a relationship that is not healthy. How do you proceed? Here are some possible signs that your friend may be giving off to indicate that her relationship is leaning toward being abusive.

  1. Behavioral changes – Isolating themselves from friends and family, constant feelings of anxiety towards their partner, insecurities beginning to rise a lack of confidence, a secretive attitude towards their relationship, and financial control from their partner.
  • Physical changes – Injuries and bruises that don’t seem to have an explanation, changes in dress and appearance to match what is desired of their partner.
  • Emotional changes – Increased feelings of anxiety and fear towards their relationship, or the thought of something altering their partner’s moods, increased mood swings especially involving relationship topics.

You See the Signs. Now, How Do You Talk to Your Friend About It? 

Whenever bringing up sensitive topics such as this, it is important to approach the conversation with caution, empathy, and compassion. Being sure to approach your friend at the proper time and place is essential to start with a good base for the conversation. It is important that they feel relaxed and not pressured, or under attack, to speak with you about this topic. Be sure that they are safe from any interruptions from their partner so that communication can flow openly and freely.

It is essential when discussing potential relationship abuse to lead the conversation with care and sensitivity or concern. Do not use drastic language such as “abuse” to label their relationship. Instead, it can be good to use “I” statements which help to express your feelings, fears, and things you have noticed about your friend. This will promote an essence of care within the dialogue. Being sure to remain calm no matter the information that is shared is essential. You do not want to criticize your friends or partner or react harshly to sensitive topics in case it causes your friend to feel attacked themselves. Approaching this with care is the only sure way to have a positive conversation.

Do not pressure them into talking. It is important that you simply let them know that you are noticing what is happening to them, that you love them, and that you are there to listen if they ever need it. It is important to validate their feelings, and only give advice when it is needed. For example, instead of saying, “You need to leave them,” you could try and say, “Have you thought about what would make you feel happier or what you want to do next?” This allows them to take control of their situation and not feel as though you are influencing or forcing their decisions.

Here are some helpful things to say in a discussion with your friend:

  • “Have you thought about what your life would be like if you weren’t balancing the weight of this relationship?”
  • “Your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to talk about them.”
  • “Do you feel supported and respected in the relationship?”
  • “What do you need to feel happy and safe?”
  • “Whatever you decide, I’ll support you. You have the strength to make the best choice for yourself.”
  • “I know this might not be easy to talk about, and I’m not here to judge you.”

Possible Resources

It is important to go into this conversation with resources that your friends can be offered if they want them. Calling a Domestic Violence Hotline, engaging in online websites that offer safety plans and domestic violence shelter lists, or even encouraging your friend to get involved in therapy could be of great use. Try not to shove the resources upon your friends as it could overwhelm them, but being knowledgeable is essential when entering a conversation of this caliber.

Some websites that offer localized resources for domestic violence are:

  1. https://www.thehotline.org/get-help/domestic-violence-local-resources/
  2. https://www.liveyourdream.org/get-help/domestic-violence-resources.html#:~:text=If%20you%20are%20or%20think,IMMEDIATE%20DANGER%2C%20PLEASE%20CALL%20911.&text=For%20crisis%20and%20counseling%20services,%2D800%2D787%2D3224.
  3. And if there is an immediate situation of danger, please call 911.

How May Your Friend Respond?

There are many ways in which approaching these topics may be received by a friend who is in need. Your friend may be receptive to your concern and may feel relieved that they are being offered help. It is your job to remain as close as they wish for you to be while they navigate their next steps. Your friend may also find your desire to talk about this offensive and may become defensive and deny that there is anything unhealthy occurring. In this situation, you must not pressure your friend into seeing things the way that you do. Instead, all you can do is let them know you are there if they need you. There is a plethora of ways in which a friend may respond to a conversation like this one, and they may not be ready to come to terms with the situation. It is important to support them in every step of their process.

Be sure to stay aware and stay alert this February. As always, take care of yourself so you are better equipped to help those around you. Jung Psych Services is a wonderful resource to use in the case of feeling overwhelmed by these candy-coated Valentine’s Day emotions.  

References

APA Dictionary of Psychology. (2018, April 19). APA Dictionary of Psychology. Retrieved January 15, 2025, from https://dictionary.apa.org/abuse

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